The Hidden Reality of How Boys and Girls Bully

When it comes to bullying, both boys and girls can engage in harassment using similar actions, but when we examine the patterns and behaviors as a whole, we discover significant and important differences in how each gender typically approaches bullying. Understanding these distinctions is absolutely critical for educators, parents, and administrators who want to effectively identify, intervene in, and prevent harassment in schools.

These gender-based patterns are not absolute—certainly some girls engage in physical aggression and some boys employ relational tactics—but recognizing the predominant trends helps schools develop more comprehensive and effective anti-bullying strategies that address all forms of harassment, not just the most visible ones.

Direct Bullying: The Male Pattern

Boys predominantly engage in what we call direct bullying. This manifests as physical and overtly aggressive behaviors that are immediately observable to witnesses. Common examples include punching, kicking, shoving, knocking books out of people’s hands, throwing objects at another person, and other forms of physical intimidation or assault.

Why Teachers Catch Boys Bullying More Often

What our extensive research and school observations have consistently found is that boys usually bully outside of their immediate circle of friends. They target peers with whom they don’t have close social connections, often across social groups or in competitive situations. This pattern creates a critical consequence: teachers are far more likely to catch boys engaging in bullying behaviors.

The reasons are straightforward and logical. First, physical aggression is inherently visible—adults can see punching, kicking, and shoving happening in real-time. Second, because boys typically bully outside their friend groups, they’re operating in more public, open spaces where adult supervision is present. They haven’t built the social cover that comes from bullying within established friendship networks. Third, the immediate and obvious nature of physical aggression makes it easier for witnesses to report and for adults to confirm what occurred.

This visibility, while concerning, actually provides schools with opportunities for immediate intervention. When adults witness direct bullying, they can address it promptly, document the incident accurately, contact parents, and implement consequences or support services quickly. The challenge with direct bullying isn’t detection—it’s ensuring that consequences are meaningful and that support is provided to help perpetrators develop healthier ways of managing conflict and asserting themselves.

Indirect Bullying: The Hidden Female Pattern

Girls predominantly engage in what we call indirect bullying, also known as relational aggression or social bullying. This form of harassment operates through the manipulation of relationships, social status, and emotional connections rather than through physical force. Girls employ sophisticated social tactics including deliberate exclusion from friend groups, mean or contemptuous stares designed to humiliate, spreading rumors and gossip, and other psychological manipulation strategies.

The Queen Bee Phenomenon

A particularly damaging pattern we observe frequently in female social bullying is what researchers call the “queen bee” dynamic. Girls typically bully inside their established group of friends, where one dominant personality—the queen bee—controls the social hierarchy and dictates group behavior, opinions, and social inclusion.

When the queen bee decides she doesn’t like what someone has said, done, or represented, she mobilizes the rest of the group to turn against that individual. This creates a devastating situation for the target, who suddenly finds herself isolated from what was previously her primary source of social support, friendship, and identity. The psychological damage from this type of betrayal and abandonment can be profound and long-lasting.

Why Teachers Miss Indirect Bullying

The fundamental problem for teachers and administrators is that they cannot see indirect bullying happening in real-time. There are no physical altercations to observe, no raised voices to attract attention, and no visible disruptions to classroom or hallway order. The harassment occurs through whispers, meaningful glances, deliberate exclusions from lunch tables or group activities, and carefully orchestrated social isolation.

Teachers typically only discover indirect bullying has occurred far down the road, often weeks or months after it began, when the victim finally reaches a breaking point and speaks up. By that time, significant psychological damage may have already occurred, the bullying pattern has become entrenched in social group dynamics, and gathering evidence or witnesses becomes extremely difficult. The other girls involved won’t corroborate the victim’s account because doing so would risk their own social standing and potentially make them targets.

The Shift in Middle and High School: Social Dominance

When students reach sixth grade and beyond, entering middle school and high school, bullying dynamics shift dramatically toward the social aspects of harassment. Physical bullying, while still present, becomes less common than relational aggression, social manipulation, and reputation-based attacks. This shift affects both male and female students but is particularly pronounced among girls.

The Power of Social Popularity

Statistics reveal a surprising and concerning reality: ninety percent of students who engage in bullying at the middle and high school levels are not struggling academically, socially isolated, or troubled youth. Instead, they are average students who excel in school, enjoy numerous friendships, and receive positive feedback from teachers and administrators.

What enables these seemingly successful students to bully others? The answer is their social popularity and the power that comes with it. When you possess high social status, you can leverage that position to manipulate relationships, control social narratives, exclude others without consequence, and weaponize friendship dynamics. Teachers don’t suspect these popular, academically successful students of bullying because they don’t fit the stereotype of what a bully “should” look like.

Real Voices: Students Crying Out for Help

The urgency and prevalence of social bullying became starkly clear recently when our organization received three separate calls in a single morning from middle and high school students desperately asking us to send information about our program to their schools. Each caller was experiencing active bullying and felt they had nowhere else to turn.

In every single one of these calls, the students described experiencing the social aspects of bullying—exclusion, rumor-spreading, public humiliation through social manipulation, and systematic isolation from peer groups. These weren’t students being physically assaulted; they were being psychologically tortured through relational aggression.

This pattern of adult dismissal represents a systemic failure that leaves victims without protection or support. When students find the courage to speak up about social bullying and are met with minimization or dismissal, several harmful outcomes occur. First, they learn that adults cannot or will not protect them. Second, they may stop reporting future incidents, allowing the bullying to escalate. Third, they internalize the message that their pain and experiences aren’t valid or important.

The Critical Need for Adult Understanding

Adults in schools must develop more sophisticated understanding of what bullying looks like, particularly relational and social aggression. Not every conflict is bullying, certainly, but not every instance of social manipulation, exclusion, or psychological harassment is merely conflict either. The distinction requires training, awareness, and a willingness to investigate thoroughly rather than making quick judgments based on surface observations.

Moving Forward: The Importance of Integrity and Follow-Through

Addressing both direct and indirect bullying effectively requires adults who demonstrate integrity in their commitment to student safety and who consistently follow through when students report harassment of any kind. This means taking all reports seriously, investigating thoroughly regardless of who is involved, understanding the nuances of both physical and social aggression, and providing appropriate support for victims while holding perpetrators accountable.

Schools must train all staff members to recognize the signs of indirect bullying, create reporting systems that protect confidentiality and don’t require peer witnesses, develop intervention strategies specifically designed for relational aggression, and communicate clearly to students that all forms of bullying will be addressed with equal seriousness.

The students who called us that morning were reaching out because they believed their schools would listen if we provided information about our programs. They still had hope that adults could help them. That hope must be honored with action, training, commitment, and the unwavering integrity to protect all students from all forms of bullying.