The Complex Nature of Victimization

Just like the bully who needs attention, some people like to become victims for the attention, and that is why we need to understand the whole story when someone says they’re a victim. This doesn’t diminish the experience of true victims, but it does require us to investigate thoroughly before making conclusions.

Victims Come in All Forms

When we look out all the windows and see the complete picture, we see victimization happening in all areas including the internet. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female or belong to a particular race or religion. Victims come in all shapes and sizes, from all backgrounds, and in all contexts.

Bullying today comes in many non-physical forms. People become victims from what is said about them through gossip or the internet. We can become a victim without even realizing it, such as being overcharged by your mechanic or being manipulated in business dealings. We can be a victim of our own poor decisions. We can become victims by our own actions. The list goes on and on.

Types of Victimization Beyond Traditional Bullying

• Physical victimization: Traditional bullying involving hitting, pushing, or other physical aggression
• Verbal victimization: Name-calling, insults, and threats
• Social victimization: Exclusion, rumor-spreading, and relationship manipulation
• Cyber victimization: Online harassment through social media, text messages, or other digital platforms
• Intellectual victimization: Using superior intelligence to manipulate, deceive, or control others
• Economic victimization: Financial exploitation or manipulation
• Self-victimization: Consequences resulting from one’s own poor choices or behaviors

Defining True Bullying Victimization

When it comes to recognizing bullying specifically, we need to distinguish that a victim of bullying is a recipient of a targeted response by the bully to control them physically, mentally, or emotionally. For behavior to constitute bullying, three critical elements must be present:

If these three areas are not covered, the situation could be something else—such as a conflict, intimidation, harassment, or a single aggressive incident. Each of these situations may require intervention, but they are not bullying and should be addressed differently.

Distinguishing Bullying from Other Negative Behaviors

• Conflict: A disagreement between individuals of relatively equal power where both parties are upset
• Harassment: Unwanted behavior that may or may not involve a power imbalance and may or may not be repeated
• Intimidation: Making someone fearful, which may be a single incident
• Meanness: Unkind behavior that is not systematic or designed to control
• Rudeness: Inadvertent inconsiderate behavior without intent to harm

Understanding these distinctions is essential for providing appropriate responses and support. Treating every negative interaction as bullying can actually minimize the experiences of true bullying victims.

The Paradigm Shift: Looking Through All Windows

If we’re going to make this paradigm shift, we need to look out every window and see the entire picture before we start concluding that every victim is right or everyone who becomes a victim does so as a result of bullying. This requires investigation, critical thinking, and a willingness to challenge our assumptions.

The Problem of Social Ostracism

One comment I receive frequently from teachers is: “If a student is left out of a group, is that bullying?” We tend to overthink that this type of behavior may be bullying. What sometimes happens is that students are ostracized by their peers because of their own behavior.

This example illustrates how well-intentioned interventions can backfire when we don’t have complete information. The teacher assumed exclusion automatically equals bullying without investigating why the exclusion was occurring or whether it was repeated, intentional, and involved a power imbalance.

Natural Consequences vs. Victimization

Sometimes social exclusion is actually a natural consequence of inappropriate behavior, not bullying. While we want to teach children inclusivity and kindness, we also need to teach them that their behavior has consequences. Other students have the right to set boundaries and choose not to interact with peers who consistently mistreat them.

Self-Created Victimization

If you’re a victim, does that mean that someone caused you to become a victim? As I mentioned before, we can become a victim of our own circumstances. This is an uncomfortable truth, but it’s important for teaching personal responsibility.

Teaching Personal Responsibility

Understanding self-created victimization is important for several reasons:

• It teaches students to take responsibility for their choices and their consequences
• It helps distinguish between situations requiring external intervention and those requiring personal growth
• It prevents “victim mentality” where individuals blame others for all negative outcomes
• It empowers people to recognize their own agency in creating positive outcomes

This doesn’t mean we blame victims of true bullying—it means we help students understand the difference between being targeted by aggressive behavior and experiencing natural consequences of their own actions.

The Importance of Thorough Investigation

We sometimes make judgments based on partial information—what we think we know (which may be entirely untrue) or what we do know (which may only be part of the truth). In effect, we may be making a premature judgment on only a fraction of the facts, or we may be making a judgment based on completely false information.

The Problem-Solving Approach

The easiest way to solve a problem is by using the problem-solving questions: who, what, where, when, why, and how. This systematic approach ensures we gather complete information before making decisions about intervention.

• Who: Who is involved? Who is the alleged bully? Who is the alleged victim? Who witnessed the incident?
• What: What exactly happened? What was said or done? What preceded the incident?
• Where: Where did this occur? Is this location significant?
• When: When did this happen? Is there a pattern of timing?
• Why: Why did this occur? What might have motivated the behavior?
• How: How did the incident unfold? How did each person respond? How often has this happened?

Gathering Multiple Perspectives

Effective investigation requires gathering information from multiple sources:

• Interview the alleged victim privately and document their account
• Interview the alleged bully privately and document their perspective
• Interview witnesses separately to avoid groupthink
• Review any physical evidence (texts, social media posts, damaged property)
• Consider the history and context of relationships between those involved
• Look for patterns of behavior rather than isolated incidents

Making the Paradigm Shift in Schools

By making a paradigm shift, we can now see that bullying happens everywhere and it’s not always one way of thinking about a bully and a victim/target. We must accept that we have different kinds of bullying, we have different kinds of victims, there are different locations and different kinds of responses, instead of being convinced that it only can happen in one area or to one type of person.

The Biggest Problem for Schools

The biggest problem for schools is they’re trying to stop bullying in their school; however, they are only solving some of the behavioral problems. They may even make things worse by having a particular set opinion about bullying because they have been looking out the same window for years.

Schools that don’t make this paradigm shift often:

• Overidentify bullying, treating every conflict as bullying and overwhelming their intervention systems
• Underidentify bullying, missing subtle forms like social exclusion or cyberbullying
• Apply one-size-fits-all consequences that don’t address the specific situation
• Fail to distinguish between bullies, victims, and bully-victims (students who are both)
• Ignore the role of bystanders and school culture in perpetuating bullying
• Focus solely on reactive responses rather than proactive prevention

Essential Protections for True Victims

True victims of bullying require:

• Immediate safety interventions to stop ongoing bullying
• Emotional support from trained counselors
• Academic accommodations if bullying has affected their schoolwork
• Regular follow-up to ensure bullying has stopped
• Restoration of their sense of safety and belonging
• Protection from retaliation

The Critical Connection: Bullying and Suicide

This leads us into a topic that we all hope none of our children are faced with, but reality says otherwise. The connection between bullying victimization and suicide risk is one of the most serious consequences we must understand and address.

These statistics are staggering and heartbreaking. They represent millions of young people who feel so hopeless, so isolated, and so overwhelmed by their circumstances that they consider ending their lives. While not all youth suicide is related to bullying, research shows a significant correlation between victimization and suicidal ideation.

Understanding the Bullying-Suicide Connection

Bullying victimization increases suicide risk through several mechanisms:

• Depression and anxiety: Persistent victimization leads to mental health disorders that are major risk factors for suicide
• Social isolation: Bullying often isolates victims from peer support systems that could provide protective factors
• Hopelessness: When bullying is unaddressed, victims may feel that their situation will never improve
• Shame and humiliation: Public humiliation through bullying can feel unbearable to young people
• Identity-based targeting: Bullying related to sexual orientation, gender identity, race, or religion can compound existing vulnerabilities

Warning Signs of Suicidal Ideation

Adults must be alert to warning signs that a bullying victim may be considering suicide:

• Talking about wanting to die or wanting to hurt oneself
• Looking for ways to kill oneself, such as searching online or obtaining weapons
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
• Talking about feeling trapped or being in unbearable pain
• Talking about being a burden to others
• Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Withdrawing or isolating themselves
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
• Displaying extreme mood swings
• Giving away prized possessions
• Saying goodbye to friends and family

Immediate Action Required

Schools must have clear protocols for responding to suicide threats or indications. Every staff member should be trained to recognize warning signs and know exactly what steps to take. When it comes to suicide risk, it is always better to overreact than to underreact.

Prevention Through Early Intervention

The best way to prevent suicide related to bullying is to prevent bullying itself and intervene early when it occurs:

• Create school climates where students feel connected and valued
• Respond quickly and effectively to all bullying reports
• Provide mental health support to bullying victims
• Teach students that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness
• Ensure students know how to access help for themselves or friends
• Partner with parents to monitor at-risk youth
• Reduce access to means of suicide for at-risk students

Learn More About Victim Support and Suicide Prevention